Published at https://psiloveyou.xyz/why-i-dont-have-time-for-online-dating-41a8641ba512
I have been on Plenty of Fish for a while now, inactively searching for a guy to connect with that might lead to dates, dating and maybe, partnership. I don’t believe I am overly picky, (what woman does), I just have certain standards.
Recently, a decent enough guy messaged me with something unique to say, not just the “Hey how’s your day ??” (the space is intentional, I have seen this more often than not, which kills me as a person who values grammer). When I checked out his profile, I learned he has a degree (check), filled out his profile (check), was witty in his writing (check), and he used proper grammar and wrote coherent sentences which formed paragraphs (check)!! The issues were glaring though, he has a 5 year old son, he is divorced, he is 9 years my senior, and he doesn’t have a profile picture of himself.
Regardless, I responded to him. Then we decided to text. Sure, why not? Well, his screen name says Adam, his profile doesn’t state his name, and he texted me saying his name was actually Nick. For which he had a good story, but still, I am in the business of self-preservation, I was nervous. But I persevered! I was determined to see this through because I never do. I always move on after a few messages because I find a million reasons why it won’t work. So, we text. He calls me “Cutie.”
Now, “cutie” is supposed to be a compliment, right? Yes, he gave me a pet name after a 30 minute text conversation and he is pigeon holing me as cute, but he means well, right? Psh. I HATE being called cute. I really do. I am not a puppy, I am a fully-grown adult woman! (Although I wonder if saying that actually means I am not… That’s a post for another time.) So, when he texted me the next day, (“Hey” he said), I ignored it. Four days pass and he texts me again today. I talked with some friends this evening about it and I decided that the gold chain he wears, calling me cute, and his constant desire to know if I like massages can be overlooked for a moment to give him another chance.
So, I texted him this evening wondering if he was serious about me as a woman or if I was just some “cute younger chick” he can tell his friends about. He said he was serious and so we sent a couple more messages. Then he said he wants to pinch my cheeks, (on my face), I said I don’t like that, to which he responded he would rather pinch my butt cheeks.
Yeah, Wonder Woman has it right. So, I did what any logical, self-respecting woman would do. I blocked him. So here is where I might have gone astray. But really? Seriously? I already made clear I am serious about this, not just looking to be a fling or something. Plus, I knew that even talking to him was pushing it because of the negative aspects of him (ie. kid, divorced, age and unverified looks). So, instead of taking the time to respond, (which I really had no clue what to say except “Excuse me! Way inappropriate! Moving on!”), I simply blocked him. To which he texted me from a DIFFERENT NUMBER to tell me I need to learn to take a joke. Duuuddeee, you insult my intelligence. You aren’t joking. You are testing boundaries. Seeing how far I will let you go.
Honestly, I don’t think I did the wrong thing. Responding to him would be respectful, yes. But I had no interest in dragging it out and being respectful to him when he had no interest in respecting me. Conversation number two with this guy featured him trying to sexualize the conversation again! I let the massage talk go the first time because I thought maybe he is just proud of something he does well. (My dad would have so much to say to that!) But the next conversation, he goes even further.
Anyways, online dating takes time and determination, in my opinion. It takes time to weed through all of the tens of men who just aren’t what I am looking for. And honestly, I don’t want to have to sift through all the profiles, faces and messages. I kind of feel like online dating is shopping at Ross or Marshals. Yes, you can get a deal. You might find an amazing item that one time you went out of the thousands of other times you went there. But ultimately, you spend hours sifting through racks, stacks, and shelves of second market items and leave empty handed.
I left this experience feeling like a decent guy only saw me one way. While I don’t see myself that way, I can’t pretend like his opinion doesn’t affect me at all. It doesn’t affect my perspective, but I do feel a bit sad. Every guy I have messaged I had hope for. And it is hard when they don’t work out. But really were they guys I actually wanted it to work out with? Not really. They were just the best of the rest in the pile of profiles.
So, perhaps I am picky and specific. Maybe I am not very lenient. I don’t know. What I do know is I just don’t have the time or patience for all of that. I gladly spend more on my clothing to shop in a store that is neatly organized, clean and easy to shop. I don’t search through racks. I have to believe that somewhere, out in the world, is a guy who feels the same. And if online dating works for you, great! I am so thrilled for you. But to those of you feeling depleted by the tremulous process, fear not. Maybe it’s just time to believe the guy you are looking for is looking the same way for you. Remaining true to yourself is key.
P.S. I deleted the app and am moving on from the cyber search.