inspiration, thoughts, Uncategorized

And Now, I am Back Again

For any of you who have possibly tried writing a blog before, it is hard. While I didn’t intend to leave my blog alone in cyberspace, untended and collecting dust, I did. I could blame inspiration, but I can’t blame something intangible. Inspiration, Elizabeth Gilbert (author of “Eat, Pray, Love” and “Big Magic”) would call it your genius, comes in waves, huge gusts,knocking you off your feet and pulling you in. And I, ever powerless to resist creativity, goes with it. But inspiration doesn’t stick with you. Oh no, inspiration leads a fleeting existence, constantly leaving the poor soul behind that it fulfilled for an instance.

Unfortunately, I am often caught up in the hurricane that is inspiration and I start things, like this blog, the many short stories I have written but not completed, and the extraordinary theories we have – but keep to ourselves.

This time will be different though. For I am not, at this time, infiltrated by inspiration. Instead, I am full of longing and need to put my words, thoughts and ideas to (theoretical) paper. I want to share my ideas with the world. Maybe somebody will find them worth reading – and if that is the case I feel truly blessed.

Then, perhaps, when inspiration has deemed me worthy, it will come to me for an extended period of time. Then maybe, just maybe, my words will inspire someone else to do something they have always wanted to do as well.

Thanks,

Jenn

Uncategorized

Am I to Become an Adult Now?

As the end of my undergrad career looms in the near future, I am struggling with what the future will hold for me. As a Christian, I do believe that there is a purpose I am supposed to serve and I am willing to serve that purpose. I just don’t know how that purpose will present itself.

Working in retail as I do now, I have learned how to deal with difficult customers as well as how to manage people and drive a business. But as my degrees will be in English and History, the experience I have in retail does little to bolster my future career aspirations.

Nor does my other experience in retail, radio, promotions and marketing. I also have political experience and I currently write and edit for the news section of my university’s newspaper. But again, if I do not intend to enter into writing or editing, what good is that experience?

Ultimately, I suppose, the overarching issues arise from the fact that I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. Yes, I would love to write and edit. Yes, I would love to travel. I would love a comfortable income. And I would love to help people, women, cultures become more than they currently are. I would love to support and help women create a persona, a career, a future, or a wardrobe! I want to be change and I want to create it too.

Easier said than done. And any change I can create, doesn’t seem as if it will be created by me anytime soon.

adultingMeanwhile, while one half of my brain stresses over the unforeseeable future, the other half seems to be keen on recalling and replaying my past relationship mistakes. Most of which can be neatly surmised to the actual immaturity that I didn’t think I had. Looking back, I see how obvious it is that I was the problem and my impatience destroyed everything that promised to be good, if only I could wait. But, immature as I was, and eager to have a romantic partner, I couldn’t be patient.
Currently, although I am seeing someone, I do not have any idea as to who will be a viable mate, husband, father and provider for the family I dream of having. Although clichéd, I want the American dream. I want a bountiful career with no glass ceiling and a family that is involved in sports, community activities, and vacation.

Cyber stalking past flames only seems to fuel this desire and also causes bittersweet happiness for them. They are happy, which is fantastic, but am I? And when I don’t feel happy, I am no longer thrilled for them, but jealous.

Having a career and a serious relationship seems to make them appear put together, confident, successful. Three things I do not currently feel. When is it that I get to feel that way too? Graduating with degrees does not make one an adult. In fact, it seems to point out just how far away from adulthood one may be. Regardless, bills treat all of us the same regardless of our career and relationship statuses.

For now, I suppose I ride this out. I shall wait and see what the future is going to bring me. I will travel to Pennsylvania in a few weeks for a journalism conference and continue to learn all I can. And I will continue to share this journey with you, my reader, in hopes that perhaps, we can figure this out together.

 

Uncategorized

An Elephant in the Sky…

… Is how I feel sometimes.

Symbolically, the phrase means many things to me. Sometimes, I feel like a big bulky elephant, (but usually only after a Jack in the Box binge). Generally, however, I don’t seem to fit in with my generation. I find forty and fifty year olds to be more relatable. Yet, I still struggle with the constant fear that they only see me as a twenty somethin’ year old girl. I find forging relations and establishing connections in my life, both physical and emotional, to be extremely difficult. But by no means am I an introvert. Like an elephant, I reside on the Earth for what seems like millennia, showing the tides of time in every part of my being but remaining steadfast and unwavering. While time flies by, it also stands still, like clouds in the sky…

thoughts, Uncategorized

This Break-out Blogging Gig

I oftentimes wonder how many of these blogs are started up by feverous writers only to be left abandoned in cyber space, alone and in desperate need of a metaphorical dusting. In beginning this blog, am I destined to join those millions of writers who thought they had a thought in their head that the world would want ample access to? I wonder if I am not wasting my time sitting here, writing for the sake of it. Writing to find a way through the tangled rose bush vines that are the never ending thoughts in my mind.

I was encouraged to begin this blogging stage of my life by my parents and one very agreeable waiter on a celebratory evening in a very interesting restaurant. Despite my fears that my blog will go unnoticed by everyone and lack interest for anyone, I am beginning one anyways. My mother declared that writing a blog isn’t for the audience to read, but rather for the writer to self medicate and to truly see themselves.

There is truth to this theory. We write in journals, dictate our lives in “Dear Diary” format and dream in fictional prose brought to life by our imaginations simply to help ourselves through the sticky parts of our lives. We often lack the courage to express our feelings and to say the things we want to say to those who affect us in ways we don’t understand. Often times, I find I lack the sense of conviction needed to really accomplish anything of any value. So, here I am. I am throwing myself into this blog. As I go back to school next week, begin my Chloe and Isabel merchandising adventure, and continue with my new promotion at work, I hope I can touch at least one person. I hope someone learns something, gains the courage to say something, or sees themselves in a new way, even if that person is me.