As the end of my undergrad career looms in the near future, I am struggling with what the future will hold for me. As a Christian, I do believe that there is a purpose I am supposed to serve and I am willing to serve that purpose. I just don’t know how that purpose will present itself.
Working in retail as I do now, I have learned how to deal with difficult customers as well as how to manage people and drive a business. But as my degrees will be in English and History, the experience I have in retail does little to bolster my future career aspirations.
Nor does my other experience in retail, radio, promotions and marketing. I also have political experience and I currently write and edit for the news section of my university’s newspaper. But again, if I do not intend to enter into writing or editing, what good is that experience?
Ultimately, I suppose, the overarching issues arise from the fact that I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. Yes, I would love to write and edit. Yes, I would love to travel. I would love a comfortable income. And I would love to help people, women, cultures become more than they currently are. I would love to support and help women create a persona, a career, a future, or a wardrobe! I want to be change and I want to create it too.
Easier said than done. And any change I can create, doesn’t seem as if it will be created by me anytime soon.
Meanwhile, while one half of my brain stresses over the unforeseeable future, the other half seems to be keen on recalling and replaying my past relationship mistakes. Most of which can be neatly surmised to the actual immaturity that I didn’t think I had. Looking back, I see how obvious it is that I was the problem and my impatience destroyed everything that promised to be good, if only I could wait. But, immature as I was, and eager to have a romantic partner, I couldn’t be patient.
Currently, although I am seeing someone, I do not have any idea as to who will be a viable mate, husband, father and provider for the family I dream of having. Although clichéd, I want the American dream. I want a bountiful career with no glass ceiling and a family that is involved in sports, community activities, and vacation.
Cyber stalking past flames only seems to fuel this desire and also causes bittersweet happiness for them. They are happy, which is fantastic, but am I? And when I don’t feel happy, I am no longer thrilled for them, but jealous.
Having a career and a serious relationship seems to make them appear put together, confident, successful. Three things I do not currently feel. When is it that I get to feel that way too? Graduating with degrees does not make one an adult. In fact, it seems to point out just how far away from adulthood one may be. Regardless, bills treat all of us the same regardless of our career and relationship statuses.
For now, I suppose I ride this out. I shall wait and see what the future is going to bring me. I will travel to Pennsylvania in a few weeks for a journalism conference and continue to learn all I can. And I will continue to share this journey with you, my reader, in hopes that perhaps, we can figure this out together.